my life

Return to Worship

2012-01-24T13:16:00.003-06:00

I struggle to find the inspiration. Even when presented with the time to sit and worship, my mind wanders to the day’s activities and the weeks needs. It takes effort to sit quietly before Him but once I’m there I don’t want to leave. It’s worth returning to worship.

“And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks.”—Luke 17:15-16

Ten healed—one returned to worship.

Days filled with blessings, thanksgiving jumbled into a prayer over the dinner table will not suffice. Today I return to worship.

A godly husband who follows hard after God

Prayer warriors who surround me and my home with whispers of blessing

A house—warm and silent on a winter’s night

Food to gather around and share laughter, stories and words of encouragement

Friends who love with a deep abiding love

Opportunity to be what I was created to be—fulfilling my birthright

Friends who bless me with time and support as I develop my abilities

Cozy socks and snuggly robes

A six-year-old who loves to read to me

A four-year-old who still cuddles close

A tall strapping eleven-year-old with a passion to share Jesus

A beautiful blessing of tenderness wrapped in thirteen, always ready with a hug and a servant’s heart

The time to teach how radical blessings show up after radical obedience

I return to worship and fall at His feet with thanksgiving.

What has you returning to worship at His feet?

In Your Presence

2012-01-20T12:34:00.002-06:00

“In Your presence is fullness of joy;”—Psalm 16:11

Can I stay here? Dwelling safely in your presence, feasting on the bread of life

As I stay here, will you take my life and wipe away every drop of strife?

Wrapped in the cocoon of your love I feel perfect peace

When your voice whispers gentle words, my worry must cease

Can I stay here, Father?

Go? I must pull myself from your warm embrace and go?

Can’t you send another in my place to share your mercy, love and grace?

Why must I be the one to show?

Yes, Father. I hear you. Your command is clear

I’ll lay aside my worries and cast off my fear

With you to instruct me, I can go so others may see

If it’s a witness you want, that’s what I will be

And once my mission is fulfilled, I will return to this place of refuge

To dwell in your presence beneath the shelter of your wings

For it is here that I rest in safety, it is here my heart freely sings

{It is so easy for me to stay wrapped in the quietness of my devotional time—yet He has called me to go and share. The gems that He shows must be passed on to others. I was created to serve, as were you.}

My Life- poured out as a drink offering

2012-01-16T07:26:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I turned thirty-three. It was a day filled with love, hugs, and jubilate celebration—the best birthday I’ve ever celebrated. Even better than the year it snowed deep drifts of white in Indiana and I had my closest friends over to the house.

At the end of the day {yesterday} I laid quietly in bed evaluating my life. What had I accomplished in my thirty-second year? The answers swirled in my mind and I begin to lay out a plan for this New Year in my life—my focus, my ambition.

Most of my thirty-second year was spent struggling against the Holy Spirit—my spirit at war with Him. I wanted what I once had and He wanted me to move forward to new things. I was trying to grow spiritually, my own way. He was holding me back from moving to far in the wrong direction. Finally I stopped—stopped struggling and straining against His hand. I fell into His arms and He pointed my face forward toward the future. Oh the peace found in resting in His arms! The bliss of saying “YES” to His will. The joy of surrender is such a welcome from the anxiety of fighting.

This, my thirty-third year, will be poured out before Him as a drink offering—daily. My own insecurities will have to simmer in the background as I leap forward in joy. I realize that all I do is in HIS strength alone.

“What would you have me do today, Father?”

I am grateful for another year.

I’m blessed beyond measure.

A conversation with God

2012-01-12T13:46:00.002-06:00

I found this conversation in my journal. It was written months ago during a time when my life was taking on water. I cannot remember the conversation well—hence the journal. [I wonder if I am the only person who records their conversations with the Holy One]. With my writer’s instinct [that is the insatiable desire to write], I tend to communicate best with Him on paper. During this particular time, He presented my life to me as a boat—a big beautiful boat that should have been sailing above the water. The boat was sitting at the bottom of the ocean.

Me: It looks like a boat.

It doesn’t float like a boat.

Father: The theory is correct and it should float but something is missing. It looks “put-together” but it’s still sitting on the bottom.

Sometimes in life you look the part; dress, act, talk the part. But inside, your spirit is sinking to the bottom. Once it’s sunk, the only redemption is something much bigger to lift you out of the water, drip you dry and set you in a safe space for repair.

You take on too much water sometimes; adding unnecessary things to your day, week, month or year. Once on the bottom you realize what happened. It may not have been just one thing that happened. Maybe thousands of things—a little water at a time.

Me: How do I keep from sinking?

How do I see the signs of taking on too much?

Father: Learn to recognize the signs:

Tiredness

Sadness

Fear

Worry

Loss of concentration

Sleeplessness

Don’t become isolated. You need someone to keep you accountable.

Don’t run and hide! Ask for help and accept help. One thing is to ask for help and another is to let people help.

Rest. Rest doesn’t mean sleeping; it means abiding in the Word and in prayer. It means casting your burdens on me. I care for you [1 Peter 5:7].

Nourish your body. That sunken boat is beyond patching—nutrition is a little late when the boat is sunk.

The conversation ended there—at least on paper. Maybe your life is like my sunken boat. Maybe your boat isn't at the bottom yet but you recognize the signs that you're taking on water. I think we have all been that boat at some point. Don't isolate yourself! Ask for help and accept that help. Rest in Him. Nourish your body before the holes are too big and your only rescue is a drip dry on land. A boat is useless on land! We were designed to fulfill a purpose.

"Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."--Psalm 55:22

2012 Declaration

2012-01-10T08:08:00.003-06:00

He is calling me forth from childhood and childhood things I must put away.

This is my declaration to grow. My one word for 2012—Grow!

My spirit will expand and communicate on a deeper level with My Savior. When I stumble in my human weakness, I declare that I am “good ground” (Mark 4:20), my being is rooted in Him and He cannot fail.

Childhood emotions and fears will be put aside. Forgiveness and love root peace—I choose to forgive. Emotions do not define who I am. My birthright is found in the KING OF KINGS—I am his child.

This physical body that I have been given—I give it back. This year, I hold NO part of my flesh. This shell is the instrument I’ve been given to fulfill my purpose. In honor to my Creator, I will keep it running efficiently. To the best of my ability, it will not hinder me in any capacity.

I will be in communication with Him as I listen and come alongside those who need His healing touch. The weak in spirit, the brokenhearted, those in physical pain and disarray—I will declare His healing and majesty. Fear will not dominate, my sufficiency is found in His power and not my own.

This is the year He has chosen for me to GROW.

What have you been chosen for?

Live Life

2012-01-03T13:10:00.003-06:00

They play a game called, “LIFE”. It’s not a board game or video game. It is a game from their imagination and the rules are, “each person creates their own life and can be whoever they want to be.”

This game called, “LIFE” can be played on a rainy afternoon or a lazy Saturday morning. It is their favorite game. If they didn’t like their ‘character’ last time, they change it. One character was a housekeeper and cleaned his room during play (I truly appreciated that character). Another was a bank teller and one decided to be a princess.

When they explained their game rules to me, I realized that I play “LIFE” too. One day blends into the next until it resembles abstract. When I realize I have been at play—unaware of the time, days or weeks—I feel lost. My play has made me numb to reality and I can’t remember the last time I lived life instead of playing “LIFE”.

When I play “LIFE” I don’t have to be aware of the needs around me. The game protects me from feeling fear or rejection—after all its play time.

Playing “LIFE” allows me to live without thinking about consequence—though the consequences are usually what pull me out of play-mode.

However, by playing “LIFE”, I miss out on the chance to actually live.

No time to cherish the warm kiss on my cheek, or the hug that reaches for reassurance.

I don’t hear the tender, “I love you”—my thoughts have already jumped ahead in the game and the words fall dead, no present-tense emotion to catch and hold them.

Part of my ‘character’ is a godly mother, pastor’s wife and Bible teacher, so part of my act is to study the Word. One Bible verse runs into another as I perform my part in the game. I’m so caught up in play that I don’t see Him speaking to me from the pages.

Today I hear Him awakening me. I’ve been at play too long and it is time to wake up to reality. Each moment must be lived, felt, and held in safekeeping. Every day is a chance to hear, see and listen to His guidance. Reality is the life I am meant to live—not play.

“And do this, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep; for now our salvation is nearer than when we first believed. The night is far spent, the day is at hand.”—Romans 13:11-12a

Though I’m sure that play time will call me once again, for now I chose to live LIFE.

“I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.”—Psalm 17:15

Present-Focused Vision

2011-12-26T10:17:00.002-06:00

Too busy complaining to see the blessings.

I missed His hand

My vision was focused sharply on what I wanted, and what I thought He wanted, that I blocked out what He was doing.

Thirsty for His presence and for His touch, I didn’t realize He was securely keeping me where I was. I was ignoring the daily blessings and the opportunities; because I thought what I wanted was what I once had.

It wasn’t.

My quest for relief sent me on a thousand mile journey. I listened daily—carefully listening to hear His voice.

I read the letters and words He left for me—searching those Holy Scriptures for a sign that my journey was not in vain.

No voice spoke.

I felt nothing but flat.

With my shoulders a bit more drawn, my eyes cast down; I made the trip in reverse—1,000 miles.

Confusion led me on a deeper quest for answers. What did He want? Why did I feel this anxiousness to return to the place I once was?

After wrestling with Him for answers, the blinders fell off. Daily I begin to see Him working; affirmations from unexpected sources; strangers wanting to know how to carry the perfume of heaven. It was all there—every day in ways I had never looked for. He had led me to a different path—I was too busy looking longingly over my shoulder that I missed it.

This new path tests my boundaries and expands them. It requires me to seek His face desperately and daily.

My thirst for Him led me right back to where I was and I felt Him say, “You have looked hard over your shoulder to the past, and missed me working in front of you.”

Humbly I confess the pride of looking to the past. I am here in the present by His plan. The past is past and will not hinder my future. If my goal is to pursue Him daily, I must follow and be content to see the blessings and tasks in front of me. Without a present-focused vision, my ministry will be marred with past desires.

My prayers today is:

“Father, show me today how to serve you. Keep my eyes on the purpose of knowing you and making you known to others around me. Allow me to carry the perfume of heaven so that others will know you are in control of my life. Command my day, order my steps. I choose to serve content in this time—not looking to the past for my joy, but looking at today.”

“Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,”—Philippians 3:13

[10 years of my life was spent serving God in Mexico with my husband. It was the type of ministry I knew. Every dynamic of our life was different on the foreign field. Every year was sweet and will always be cherished. I am sure that ministry transfer is one of the hardest changes to make, it has been for me—but change is imminent if we are to follow His every command—John 15:10. Are you willing to accept the change He is calling you to?]

Give Thanks To The Holy One

2011-12-14T16:49:00.004-06:00

I’m anxious, needing time alone. My spirit feels dry and my nerves are lying raw.

Music

It quiets my soul and feeds my spirit—if I can create it.

Moving quietly to the piano I pull the chair close and try to feel the music inside. All I hear is out of tune notes and the whirling of the dishwasher. More frustration fills me as I look at words to music I have created in times past.

“There’s a reason they call you the Prince of Peace

The great I AM, the comforter….”

My spirit churns and I touch the keys, singing the declaration in my head.

“It’s not for nothing you’re called Great Physician,

Each name just goes hand in hand….”

I skip to the minor chords I need to feel.

“That’s not why I’m here again

On my knees before your throne

My heart is broken, my knees are weak

Tears fill my eyes, I can barely speak…”

A sibling squabble erupts and I am pulled away from my words. The dishwasher sounds louder than when I started and I can hear every clack from my husband’s fingers on his computer keyboard. I settle the squabble and close the notebook holding my words and tunes. Maybe music won’t fix me this time.

Life has been busy. Too busy for me to feel the sounds it makes. Each life note has pinged off of me and floated to a distant place. This has happened before—my notebook full of words and chords is proof of that. I know that to get back on track I need to create.

Music

Words

Music and words…

This revives my spirit and stirs my soul to remember that I was created for this specific time in history and for the task I am given.

The four-year-old comes next to me and begins to sing. I feel the music,

“Give thanks with a grateful heart

Give thanks to the Holy One

Give thanks because He’s given Jesus Christ, His Son!”

I give thanks to the Holy One, and my spirit swells with sweet calm.

Immediate Obedience

2011-10-18T18:05:00.004-05:00

I snapped. It had been a long day and my brain was tired. That is not an excuse I know. I left the office late, the cornbread on top of the chili took longer than normal to bake, and the kids still needed to get baths and homework papers needed to be signed.

I snapped.

It was time to head upstairs for bed and baby Ben needed his Mommy. Instead of providing him the comfort he needed at the end of his long day, in my frustration I gave him a command to,

“Run up the stairs quickly! Go!”

When he wouldn't run up the stairs I grabbed his arm and rushed him up with me. Once at the top of the stairs, I commanded him to bed (in a angry voice) and went straight to my room, slamming the door behind me. His father took over, tucking him in, praying with him and kissing him goodnight. That is usually my job.

The Holy Spirit immediately convicted me and shame washed over me. I couldn’t get into bed and rest until I made it right. I crawled into his bed. My face lay next to his and in the dimly lit room I could see his eyes blink, his favorite thumb in his mouth—he just stared at me. I allowed the quietness to wash over us both while I kissed his head. He just looked at me. I whispered to him, “I love you, Ben! Mommy wants you to obey immediately.”

“Why?” He whispered back.

“Because one day it may keep you safe.” I answered.

“How?” He asked, barely removing his thumb to speak

“What if you had a big bumble bee on you and I told you to run but you didn’t obey immediately? You would get stung and it would hurt!” I tried to explain.

He stared. Sucking his thumb, I could see him processing my words. After a few moments of silence he took his thumb out of his mouth and said, “Tell me about when you were a little girl.”

Life was back to normal.

This morning in my Bible study I read that “Obedience is the key that unlocks a secret place with God.” (Lysa TerKeurst) How true! The more I obey God the closer I am to Him. Lysa goes on to say, “The more we say yes (obey) to God, the more we will live in expectation of seeing Him. The more we expect to see God, the more we will.”

I require my children to obey immediately (they don’t always comply) to keep them from potential harm or a bad decision. Immediate obedience is also required by my Heavenly Father and I want to obey so that I can be kept safe from potentially bad decisions. When I obey, I remain in His love (John 15:10).

Training our children to obey immediately is hard work—necessary work, but hard work. I don’t always get it right. Many times I snap like I did last night. How blessed I feel to have a Heavenly Father to guide me and keep me running in obedience toward Him. When I practice continued obedience, it soon becomes the delight of my life and no longer a discipline of my heart. This is the kind of obedience I desire for my children.

According to Grace Given

2011-10-17T08:59:00.001-05:00

The clutter of worry and fear will not change what I cannot control. Hanging over the abyss in terror of being dropped is where I let go.

The churning dread in my stomach reminds me of my humanity as I step out to walk toward His voice in the dark. I’m acting on the smallest amount of faith provided one of my stature. That’s all it takes—the size of a mustard seed.

My super hero cape hangs in the back of my closet. Every morning as I prepare for new challenges I have to ignore its existence and clothe myself with the “shield of faith” instead. There is a dark side to the cape I keep tucked away. It makes me think I am invincible—only HE is invincible. It makes me feel angry when my physical body will not keep up with the demands of my mind—only in my weakness HIS strength is made perfect. HE has “begun a good work” in me.

In the quietness and chaos I hear His voice propelling me forward in my spirit. He has equipped me according to the grace He’s given to me. I have been graced to use my gifts for His glory, not to achieve worldly stature. In the busyness of life I try to fill myself with the grace needed to activate my gifts. Leaning on deeper thoughts, more focus, disciplined time. It is only in the quietness of His presence that I can be renewed and He can pour His unmerited favor out on me again, allowing me to give glory and honor to Him.

Not my gift.

His gift, through grace, to me.

“Having then gifts differing according to the GRACE that is given us, let us USE THEM:” Romans 12:6

Are you using His gift, through grace, to you?

Knocked Off My Feet

2011-09-24T08:47:00.001-05:00

The red numbers glared at me in the dark. Why was I awake? I blinked and looked at the 3:00 shining in red. Suddenly I sat up as pain ripped through my head from back to front, quick shooting successive pains. Each bolt of pain caused me to suck in my breath and grab my head. I had never felt such pain.

For several minutes, time stood still. Between those moments of pain, my mind raced to trace down the source of my agony. Did God wake me up to pray? I have been studying a Bible study by Angela Thomas called, “Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering” and I had just studied the importance of being sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s prompting. As I was half-searching, half-begging for relief I drifted back off to sleep. My head had been courting a dull achiness for several days. Being a migraine sufferer I ruled that out and thought maybe the weather changes were affecting me.

When obligation dragged me out of bed at six that morning, just three hours after feeling those pains, the 3:00 wake up seemed like a groggy dream. In a daze, I moved through the morning preparations and we all successfully left the house for school and work.

First kid dropped off- check.

Next drop off was a few miles away- it seemed like the longest two miles of my life. The pain returned with more intensity. Grabbing Doug’s arm, I explained to him what I was feeling. He assured me it was probably a migraine (I was sure I had a brain tumor).

Kid two, three and four dropped off- check.

The pain had eased up and despite Doug’s prompting to clear my schedule I decided to stop at the closest pharmacy to buy migraine medicine and just continue with my very busy day. Two migraine pills and a bottle of water later I dropped Doug off at the church and drove to my office. Berating myself for feeling so bad (after all I “fix” people!), I decided to do an assessment on myself. I set up my equipment and ran a quick spot specific test on myself and decided to get help. Breathing a prayer for mercy and relief I called my first appointment of the day and humbly admitted my weakness. In my mind, I would go get checked out by a friend, who is a diagnostician, and get some quick relief so I could continue with my day and the patients who were scheduled to see me. A little voice in my heart whispered that my day was going to be interrupted. I pushed it aside and prayed…

I was driving to the Immediate Care when my phone rang. It was Doug. In my stubbornness I hesitated to even answer the phone. I knew he had a very busy day ahead of him and I would probably only be at the doctor’s office for an hour or so. Against every fiber in me, I answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey Sweetie! What are you doing?”

“Driving to the Immediate Care….”

“WHAT?” Doug’s voice could have carried him through the phone lines. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I knew you were busy and it’s probably just a migraine. I just need something to get me through the day.” I offered my pitiful excuse.

“Jana, don’t you EVER drive yourself to the immediate care without telling me! What if they want to do more test? What if they don’t want you to drive?” Doug was reprimanding me gently but I could tell he wasn’t very happy with me. “Promise me you will never do this again! I am coming to meet you there.”

After my promise, I hung up the phone.

God was gracious and I didn’t need to wait long to get in to the room. As if my head didn’t hurt enough, the nurse (a friend and fellow Bible study participant) made me step on the scale for a current weight (that probably shot my blood pressure up even more!). Doug showed up and we were both placed in a room where the nurse could take my story. What a blessing that God put that specific nurse on shift that morning. My blood pressure was way too high, reflecting my pain in spite of my calm demeanor. Blood work was ordered and within minutes I was being looked at by my friend. Once again God’s blessings shone around me as my like-minded friend checked me over while I explained to her my own assessment. She checked a few of my “trigger points” and concurred with my own finding. Then she asked the question, “How’s your stress been?”

Blank.

Brain fog.

Stress?

My mind raced through the past couple of weeks filled with family drama, packed schedules, teacher’s meetings, complicated patients, ministry obligations, piles of laundry, dirty dishes, self-imposed responsibilities…..yes, I had been under some stress.

She nodded her head knowingly, and proceeded to ask me the very questions I ask people.

“Have you been sleeping?”

“Have you been taking your supplements?”

NO and NO.

I was knocked off my feet. I know I’m not super-woman but I THOUGHT I was doing a pretty good job of pretending. Apparently I was way off base.

Two hours later without pain relief (after medication given via a syringe) I found myself waiting for a CAT scan at the local hospital. I can’t even put in to words how frustrated I was at myself. Having to stop, slow down and take time to breathe.

Lying on that narrow table and being moved under the round cylinder of the scanning machine I was humbled. Blinking back tears, I felt the peace of my Heavenly Father and His voice telling me that,

“My strength is made perfect in weakness”

After my scan I was sent home to wait and rest. The conclusion was that my body had to stop me because I was going at 110 mph with no end in sight. I was knocked off my feet to be picked up again with a new perspective of my priority list.

(The scan was clear and it was ruled a migraine triggered by stress and nerves.)

It was a scary, yet eye-opening, experience that I hope to NEVER repeat again. So, if my blog is not updated often or if a personal call doesn’t get returned right away, you now understand why. If my children don’t get A+ on every test or if they eat a meal that consists of beans and rice, I have my reasons. And I found that no one is judging me other than me.

Have you ever had an experience like this? A time when your body decided to take over control and let you know that stopping time was NOW? Did you learn a lesson about priorities?

My Girl

2011-09-09T14:39:00.003-05:00

She brushes her honey-colored hair back from her face, leaning in to whisper a secret to me. Her eyes are sparkling pools of summer water, blue and green swirled together. The excitement in her whispered secret makes me smile, even though I cannot understand every word she is saying.

This is my girl, the middle child between two boys. Her laugh is ready-made and easily available at a moment’s notice. Her jokes are silly and she finds more humor in them than those around her.

My girl.

Independent and strong, she won’t back down from a challenge.

Tender hearted, she worries about her daddy getting tired on long road trips.

I love her with a massive love. She is quick to bring a smile to my face, or make me feel broken hearted when my words bring tears to her eyes. She needs to hear how smart I think she is, or how pretty her dress looks.

I look at her childlike face and see glimpse of her future. Who will she become? I try to brand her 6 year old face in my memory to recall when she is grown. The moments she gives me to cuddle and talk, I grab them and store each second away.

My girl.

Today God has placed her on my heart in a special way. How thankful I am for my Josie girl!

Introducing THE DRESSING ROOM

2011-08-25T09:06:00.002-05:00

I hate dressing rooms, don’t you? I know, I used the strong “H” word, but I am being honest. My least favorite thing about shopping for clothes is the part where I have to brave the dressing room.

Our self-image is usually developed from the time we are very young. Some studies show that we become aware of our bodies as early as 18 months of age! From that point on our body image begins to develop based on what we hear about ourselves and come to believe. I recently heard a pastor say,

“Our beliefs determine our behavior and our behavior determines who we become.”

What do you believe about yourself?

The Dressing Room was birthed from the challenge I accepted to write my story. My husband and close friend challenged me to share that in a tangible way with others. The easiest way for me is through the World Wide Web!I have put a lot of prayer and study into this. Many close friends have prayed with me and for me. My heart is to share what Jesus views as beauty and to touch our humanity at the same time. We are built up, or broken down, physically, emotionally, and spiritually! I want to minister to each aspect.

The Dressing Room points women to Christ. It will show girls/women alike that once they step into the celestial dressing room that our Heavenly Father uses they will always have access to the mirror reflection of His son Jesus. I want to redefine beauty as a physical health, spiritual maturity, and emotional confidence.

“Listen, O daughter, Consider and incline your ear; Forget your own people also, and your father’s house; the KING will greatly desire your beauty; Because He is your Lord, worship Him.” Ps. 45:10-11

What determines beauty for you?

Christians and Non-Christians alike tend to gauge beauty based on what they view physical perfection to be. One study of American girls in 8-9^th grade showed that culture affected the perception of beauty. In girls from a European decent, beauty was defined as a 5’7” and 110 pounds! ( F.Y.I: 110 lb. for a 5’7” frame is unhealthy and underweight by about 15 lb.) Girls of an African American decent, in the same study, did not focus on physical beauty but focused more on attributes such as attitude. If you had to describe a beautiful woman what would she look like? Would you focus on her physical appearance or characteristics?

Using my education in natural health, The Dressing Room will include lots of great post about caring for the temple of the Living God, our bodies. I will include information about everything from fasting, exercise,skin care, and even my favorite makeup! I am lining up guest writers and will post videos from time to time. This is my personal invitation to you, The Dressing Room is open! I invite you to visit often, and invite your friends too. If you have a dressing room story, please share! Email me at janarogers [at] live [dot com]. We all have a story, what’s yours?

I am so excited to share this journey with you! Let’s go!

Resources:

Shandler, Sara. Ophelia Speaks: Adolescent Girls Write about Their Search for Self New York: HarperCollins, 1999.

Walker, Pamela. Everything You Need to Know about Body Dysmorphic Disorder: Dealing with a Distorted Body Image. Brookshire, TX: Rosen Publishing Group, 1999.

My Life Edited

2011-07-28T09:15:00.002-05:00

The sheets of paper are clean. No markings, smudges or wrinkles. Clean white pieces of paper warm with the smell of the press. He places them in front of me. My heart quickens as He places the pen in my hand, His hand covering mine as we begin to write.

Jana Elisabeth, born January 15

The story begins.

My story.

This is not a story that can be erased. The writing is in ink. The pages are permanent and numbered.

He steadies my hand, shaking from emotion, as I write the words to record the tender-age of my salvation. Progressing through the years of my life, using page after page I begin to gain confidence. His hand is still steady on mine as we write, His hand directing, mine obeying. The longer I write the heavier His hand begins to feel on mine. A weight that is unnecessary, in my human mind, so I stop to loosen His grip, not glancing up to see the pain in His eyes. I continue to write.

My paper is stacking up and the words on each page are alive in my being. Every pain, scar and heartache I feel anew. The pages of my young teen years feel lonely and I’m scared. My heart aches for the warmth of the hand that I brushed off. I feel His presence behind me, still looking over my writing. When my story begins to falter and my hand begins to shake, I look up to wipe a tear and reach for His hand. We begin to write again.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5b

With a new wind of confidence we continue writing and the pages stay crisp and clean. No dots or tittles out of place. My hand begins to strengthen and I assure Him I can continue writing on my own. After all it is MY STORY!

Age 18 takes shape on the page and my heart clenches anxiously as I write. The paper begins to curl at the edges and my hand falters, marking unnecessary lines across the page. I am propelled forward, scribbling and scratching at the paper, trying to stop but willing myself on. In my frustration I grab the piece of paper and ball it up as small as possible, throwing it aside. He picks it up to smooth it out.

I cannot start over. The mistakes are there.

The wrinkles from my frustration are there, even as He smooths the page. With my face in my hands I weep. I thought it was my story. I thought I could write it on my own, but now the pen rolls to a stop on the edge of the desk and my papers lay scattered.

Abandoned.

“You are MY workmanship, created in ME for good works, I prepared your story beforehand. Let me write your story!”

“I created you to display MY glory, not yours. Your life is mapped out in MY book. Trust MY plan!”

He wipes the tears. No condemnation in His gaze, only patient love.

Between the breaks of my young heart HE weaves determination and commitment to HIM alone. We begin to write again.

Together.

With His hand on mine His story for my life begins to spread across the pages. My own goals, plans and desires now set aside in anticipation of what His goals, plans and desires are for my life. It is my story, edited by Him.

Have you given HIM your life story? Are you willing to adapt the details of your life to suit HIS plan? When we write our own story the mistakes are permanent and sometimes very painful. Under His penmanship there will still be pain but it will be hidden under words of grace that only He can write.

“ And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make…As clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand!” Jeremiah 18:4,6

TBYS- Eph. 4:29 Challenge Day 6

2011-07-24T10:42:00.003-05:00

A video was supposed to be in this spot. I posted it. Thought about it. Deleted it.

In a moment of ambition, I wanted to update you via video but I couldn't get the quality good enough and well, it just didn't turn out right. So, I will update you on our Eph- 4:29 challenge with the written word and maybe next time with video.

This is day 6. The secret is out of the bag, this challenge is HARD! James 3:8 says that no man can tame the tongue and that it's a restless evil. I have certainly found that to be true. I have also found little gray bracelets around the house with no small wrist to wear them! I think the younger challengers are finding this challenge to be difficult as well.

There are two things that God has brought to my attention this first week. I'm sure I was aware of them before but maybe didn't care as much.

The first is, I am more careless with my words when I'm talking with someone close to me. An example would be my conversations with my mom, husband or best friend. God has especially convicted me of my words during these conversations. Since we tend to speak more "from the heart" when we are comfortable, I have been prompted to examine my heart for words and concepts that shouldn't be there.

Secondly, God revealed that I surround myself with negative people. Not on purpose (not all the time). Part of my job requires I work with negative people. My ministry also puts me in the same place and/or conversation with negative people. There are times I find myself leaving a conversation and suddenly I am viewing everything around me in a negative light!

The solutions? For my first weakness, I am evaluating my heart motives and trying to root out anything that would cause me to criticize or speak negative about others. For my second revelation, I am putting boundries around myself and making sure I spend only necessary time with negative people. I am working hard to NOT become a negative influence in another persons life.

How about you? What areas do you find challenging? Are you a negative person by nature or nurture?

TBYS! The Ephesians 4:29 Challenge

2011-07-17T13:54:00.004-05:00

TBYS- Think Before You Speak!

Critical words tend to have a life of their own, so it seems. They creep out at the wrong times and never do any good; only damage.

For years I have studied the effect words play on our health as human beings. Words are powerful. In the Scripture it says that the WORD of God is so powerful that it can divide asunder, cutting down to the very marrow. One simple word or string of words can literally alter the mindset of a person and alter their emotional and sometimes physical health.

Over the years I have become more timid with my words (I still have much more timidity to achieve). At times I tip-toe around them and choose them carefully in fear of the damage they might cause. Often I will hear my children fling a string of criticism with abandonment and I cringe as I say, “Don’t say that! It will go into her/his memory bank and affect her/him forever!”

At the same token, words can be used for building a person up; for encouragement and reproof. I’m not on the “no-negative-words-ever” train. There is a time and place for firm words, but NEVER for degrading or insulting words.

Several weeks ago my amazing husband was sharing with me what God had been showing him during his quiet time. He was so passionate and convicted about what God showed him that we decided together to challenge ourselves as a family.

The challenge is to not say anything corrupt (dishonest, mean, contaminated with anger, etc.) for 14 days.

As we sat discussing this challenge we decided we needed a constant reminder for the 14 days. Something that would keep our mind on Ephesians 4:29. To keep it simple, we had rubber bracelets made that have the words TBYS- Eph. 4:29.

“Let no corrupt words proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” Eph. 4:29

When we presented this brilliant challenge to our four children we were met with stares and frowns. This meant no name calling! No dishonesty or perversion (which in our case is the occasional random conversation about poo-poo and pee-pee from our 3 year old). After a little encouragement, they all accepted the challenge. Today we donned on our bracelets! To explain our challenge in terms my 3 and 5 year old could understand I broke Eph. 4:29 down like this:

“No corrupt words” – don’t say anything perverted, mean, hateful, envious, or in anger. (This includes our phone texting, email, facebook, blogs, phone conversations, or face-to-face conversations.)

“Words necessary for edification”- Use the necessary words to build up or encourage the person you are talking to or about.

“That it might impart grace”- Grace is unmerited favor. So, even if you think the person doesn’t really deserve kind words, say them anyway!

How often do we speak without thinking? I am so guilty of allowing harmful critical words to flow out of me. We tend to justify it by being “constructive”.

Are you up for the challenge?

You might have to give an explanation when you suddenly find yourself in a familiar conversation and you fall silent with no criticism or jealous words to speak. Maybe those phone conversations will be much shorter, and the next time you post or txt you won’t have much to say.

Take the Ephesians 4:29 challenge today!

(note: we hope to extend our challenge to more than 14 days!)

I Choose to Love

2011-07-08T09:39:00.004-05:00

“The LORD did not set his love upon you, nor choose you, because ye were more in number than any people; for ye were the fewest of all people:” Deut. 7:7

His whispers of love speak to my heart, filling my being with a fluidity of strength and sweeping away my fear. Nothing else matters in this moment.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

"I choose to love you.

Not because you’re bigger, better, prettier or stronger.

Not because you are holier, more humble or dedicated.

I choose to love you because love is a choice.

I choose because you are mine!"

“But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” John 1:12

The anxious squeezing of my heart at the very thought of you may drop to a sickening churn in my stomach. Heat from the touch of your hand might leave a burn of anger instead of passion. Emotions have a way of changing without warning- they are involuntary.

Love is not a state of mind; it’s a choice of will.

In the immaturity of my youth, panic set in at the thought of staying in love. Fear danced in the chambers of my mind, formulating a plan of escape incase I lost that “feeling”.

Love is a daily choice that becomes implanted in the very core of being.

I could not understand how my heart could extend a lifetime of love. When I accepted the free gift of love I was willing to extend my complete trust to be secure, forever loved, it seemed easy. Still the nights came when my thoughts raced and danced like shadows on the wall; I don’t deserve this. Can I keep feeling this? What if something happens?

Something did happen.

Love.

Not the sappy heart-racing kind of emotion we brush off as love; more than a feeling in my gut and more than a state of mind.

Love doesn’t just happen by, it is searched out by the wise.

Because HE chose to love me, I can choose to love too.

“But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only.” James 1:22

Do you choose to love? Without making the choice the lines become blurred with emotions. Emotions can be wiped away with circumstance and what was defined as love is wiped away with it.

“And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:1

I choose to love, do you?

He Fills My Heart with Joy

2011-06-06T09:37:00.001-05:00

That’s what the cover says. Bound in black and white with the simple proclamation written on the cover

He fills my heart with joy

The pages between the simple cover are covered in a jumble of prayers, proclamations, cries for mercy and the elation of celebration.

Without those moments recorded on the simple lined pages, my heart would fail to remember.

Remember moments when young souls accepted His free gift.

When His awesomeness brought tears and praise to His name.

How moments of anxiety and confusion, blended with panic and emotional pain that threatened to merge into the physical world, became hours of calm and peace and acceptance to His will.

Without the blank pages of this book I keep, I would not remember why I wanted to remember;

“You only have what you give away. All that you’ll ever have is only what you’ve shared.”

Or,

“Life is about air and we were meant to fly.”

I keep a journal.

His blessings recorded. My prayers and heartaches noted. The way His Spirit speaks and moves in me. Without these recording I would surly forget those moments of grace.

Do you journal?

I record missions He has called me to complete.

I write names He brings to my mind.

I confess my weaknesses and submit to Him.

What does your journal look like?

What do the pages hold?

Without it would I remember that He fills my heart with joy?

Trapped in “ME"

2011-05-18T14:27:00.003-05:00

I slowly pick my way along, edging against my tunnel wall of security toward the light I see in front of me. At times I stop and plant my feet, determined that the EXIT sign shining so bright is too far away and involves too much risk to walk beneath it into the world beyond.

Words swirl in the thought chambers of my mind, causing my hands to search the dark walls of my tunnel for something to hold me back. Words like:

Risk

Disappointment

Lies

Mistrust

Fake

Superficial

Just past that EXIT sign is risk; possibly the risk of encountering grace, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, and understanding, or possibly the words that envelop me in fear.

This tunnel I keep myself in is known as “ME”. Past the EXIT sign reside the people who live closest to me, or people who are involved in my life. Some of the people beyond that EXIT sign wear the label FRIEND. Their faces are familiar and kind. I can see them looking in at me. But I am too scared to leave “ME”. I might have to think about someone else. One of those FRIEND’S might need to hear words of encouragement from me. I would have to think about the world outside of “ME”. I would have to be willing to strengthen the weak hands, lift up the stumbling and help make firm the feeble.

It feels easier to just stay in “ME” and stare at the bright EXIT sign. However,

“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and discipline. (God) has saved us and called us with a HOLY calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity.” 2 Tim. 1:7,9

Slowly I move toward the EXIT. Willing myself to leave “ME” and venture into the real world where others need to be freed and encouraged to leave their tunnel of “ME”, into the world where His purpose can be found and fulfilled. The fear of being authentic or the fear of not being accepted can no longer hold me. Once beyond the EXIT sign I can seal up the opening and allow my life to be about HIM, about YOU and those wearing the label FRIEND.

Are you trapped in a tunnel called, “ME”?

Have you ever been?

What fears held you in that “ME” tunnel and how did you step beyond the EXIT sign?

Beautiful Words, Wonderful Words

2011-05-03T14:47:00.002-05:00

Sing them over again to me,

wonderful words of life;

let me more of their beauty see,

wonderful words of life;

words of life and beauty

teach me faith and duty.

Beautiful words, wonderful words,

wonderful words of life.

Beautiful words, wonderful words,

wonderful words of life.

Christ, the blessed one, gives to all

wonderful words of life;

My internal conversation is light and easy; planning of daily life and nothing too heavy or concerning. No real connection between the words. An invisible wall stands reaching toward the heavens, lending protection in as much thickness as needed. Even frequent loquaciousness leaves the fortress untouched. The aching, for understanding, answers, or just one word to crack through the barrier, is left intact.

Beautiful words are not spoken.

Beautiful words can crack the thickest of invisible protection walls. Light streaming in through the cracks can warm and nourish the weakness of my soul shivering in fear and self-doubt.

Beautiful words are not spoken.

To speak beautiful words my heart must be filled with them; from the over abundance of that beauty life giving words spill forth.

Beautiful words heal.

Beautiful words set captives free.

Beautiful words direct my gaze toward the awesomeness of my Creator.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my rock, and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

I do not find myself speaking healing-captive freeing-Creator worshiping words. In place of the sweetness I find self-centered-condemning and self-doubting words of fear.

“Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.” Ps. 119:11

I can speak beautiful words, when my own words fall silent.

I can speak beautiful words, when my heart is full of His words.

Filled with His Word, I am not afraid to see through the cracks in my wall of protection.

Cracks from His beautiful words.

These beautiful words He has spoken to me, my voice repeats:

I am a child of God! (John 1:12)

I have peace with God! (Rom. 5:1)

I am completely forgiven! (Col. 1:13-14)

I am tenderly loved by God! (Jer. 31:3)

I am born of God, and the Evil One cannot touch me! (1 John 5:18)

I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline! (2 Tim. 1:7)

I cannot be separated from the love of God! (Rom. 8:35)

Do you speak beautiful words?

King David spoke to himself in times of deep despair and strengthened himself in the Lord so that he could then speak beautiful words. (1 Sam. 30:6; Ps. 42:5).

"He has saved me and called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to His purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before time began," (2 Tim. 1:9)

I speak beautiful words.

Death or Life Decision

2011-04-20T12:43:00.002-05:00

Dripping with poison; ready to ignite a wild fire of destruction.

It strains against the weak barrier that attempts to hold it in check, the struggle never ends.

It’s small enough to be contained by the weight of a finger, yet unable to be tamed. Containing a death sentence for all who cross its path, cutting down those closest to its emotions, and exploited by me.

Exploited by you.

In one moment a blessing is given, followed by sharp and deleterious effects with the blink of an eye.

“But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8).

Swelling with anticipation of the next victim, the attack brings a quick and painful death. The intent is to leave no survivor. Silence is the sound of victory for such an evil.

“Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue:” (Prove. 18:21)

The only hope for control is to become weak and render its poison useless.

“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses…For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Cor. 12:10

To render it helpless is to release the healing power of life. A poison so diluted by the WORD and succused by the Spirit that the potency is immeasurable and its effects reach to the very marrow of life. Utilized in submissiveness to soothe a wounded spirit and ignite joy in a heart full of dead dreams and hopes. Healing words of exhortation with wisdom and gentleness spawn in the delight of weakness.

In this moment the choice is made- death or life?

Sarcasm or patience?

War or peace?

Poisonous silence or understanding communication?

My choice today is life, patience, peace and understanding.

What is yours?

It’s a Death or Life decision, one we make every time we speak.